"Let It Go"

I went to stake conference a couple weeks ago and President Watson gave a talk where the theme was "let it go". One of the things he talked about was circumstances in our life beyond our control and how we need to not let those things stop us from progressing and if we were letting that happen, then we needed to "let it go". With Mother's day fast approaching, I felt like he was speaking directly to me. When you aren't able to have children, Mother's day can feel like the worst day of the year. I couldn't bring myself to go to church today and listen to all the talks about how wonderful motherhood is and have them hand out flowers or candy or whatever it was this year to all the women "18 and older" instead of "mothers", because I am the only one not in the mother category.

I was taught growing up in church that motherhood is a sacred calling and many lessons revolved around family and getting married and having children someday. Whenever you move to a new ward or whenever someone new moves into your ward, the first question you are asked is "how many children do you have?" When the answer is "none", there are a variety of different responses. Some people are understanding, but others look at you like you must somehow be unworthy. You feel like you don't fit in with other couples your age who are raising a family. I finally realized that I needed to "let it go". I need to let go of the failure and inadequacy that I feel over not being able to have children. It is something beyond my control. Life doesn't always turn out the way you thought it would, or go the way you think it should. I had an "aha" moment on the ride home that night when I realized that the people that mean the most to me in my life don't care that I am not a mother. They simply love me because I am their wife, or sister, or aunt or daughter or friend. They don't judge me, they just love me. I am thankful for those people.

So, while I am working on letting this go, I realize that it's going to take some time. Today I spent the day with my "babies".

Colin has always been so thoughtful to get me cards and a gift from the dogs every year. He use to say that he smuggled them into his jacket and took them into the store so the dogs could pick it out themselves. We took the dogs for a drive and a walk at a park. The walk turned into a nightmare when other people and dogs showed up. See our blog post from a day at the beach and you will understand why. :) Happy Mother's day to my mom and Colin's mom. We love you.