It has taken me 10 months to admit that. If you had asked me how I was in the days following my brothers death, I would have answered "I'm ok." It's the standard answer many of us give when we're asked how we are, along with "fine" and "good". I clearly was not "ok" then, I'm not even "ok" 10 months later. His children are not "ok", although if you asked any of them how they were doing they would also tell you they are "ok", "fine" or "good", because that's the answer you're suppose to give, because that's what everyone wants to hear.
After my brother died I threw myself into home improvement projects to keep busy. After that, I was busy planning the move back to Washington State. Then it was keeping busy unpacking and getting settled in a new place. Now that everything is all unpacked and I'm not working yet, I have a lot of time by myself to think. Specifically, time to think about my brother, something I've tried to keep from doing for the last 10 months. Oh, I know he's gone. I know all too well that I can't pick up the phone and call him or text him or see him. But now I'm left with time to think about that, to actually allow myself to grieve that loss. In some ways, losing my brother was harder than when I lost my dad because I had my brother there to share the grief with, someone that had just lost their dad too. But, I don't have any other siblings that I can share the loss of my brother with. Maybe instead of saying "I'm ok", I need to share my grief with others that loved him as much as me, like my nieces and nephews. They know that I loved their dad but they need to know I miss him every day and I'm not "ok" with him being gone. They need to know that some days I wonder like they do if everything will ever be "ok" again.
When someone close to you dies, the rest of the world stops for a few days as you go through the motions of planning and having a funeral. When that's done, you see other people going about life as normal. You think, "the rest of the world has gone on, I need to go on". So you get up every day and do those things that you need to do because you have responsibilities and people counting on you. You go on and make the best of this new life without the person you loved. But that doesn't mean that you stop missing that person, that you don't still think about them and love them. It doesn't mean that anyone will ever replace them, because no one can. It doesn't even mean that you're "ok". It will be a year in January and I'm not "ok" with this new life without my brother in it, but I'm finally ok admitting it.
2 comments:
I was cleaning out a shelf in my kitchen just last week and moving cookbooks around, out dropped a piece of paper. It was a note from Jeff. He had found some of Ryan's family in the cemetery in Lewiston for me and had even drawn a map so I would be sure to find them. Just seeing his handwriting, I burst into tears. I have no clue how that note got into my cookbook but it was like a slap in the face. There are days that I am ok, and then days that I am not so ok. Good for you for being honest with yourself. You are allowed to have no good rotten days and not have to hide the fact that you are hurting. Know that you are loved Heidi!!
Very well said.... even 8 years after losing my brother I still have times I am not ok
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